I spoke to my sister tonight, which was bizarre. Even more bizarre was the first thing she asked me. She wanted to know if I’d dressed up for Halloween. I don’t know why she wanted to know, but when people ask me this, I fall back on two stock answers:
1. “I’m a taxpayer.”
2. “I’m Comfortable Man.” This one was stolen from Family Matters. Urkel asked Carl what his Halloween costume was. Carl got all aggravated and shit, told Urkel to step the fuck off, then put him right in his place.
“You should have seen what my fiancé dressed up as,” she said.
“Yeah. He dressed up as a Guido.”
“Wait,” I said. “You’re engaged? To what?”
“Mom knows all about it. Ask her.”
“I’m asking you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” she said. “I only want to tell you about the Guido thing, because it reminded me of you.”
“What about it?”
“He dressed up as a Guido, and nobody knew what it was.”
“You live in Maine,” I said.
“It was disappointing.”
“Did he do the spiky hair?”
“Yeah,” she replied.
“Yeah. He even wore a Sergio Tacchini velour track suit.”
“Why does he have one of those?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but he looked really authentic.”
“Did he take the final step?”
“Cologne,” I replied. “Did he pour a bottle of cologne over his head and rub it all over his hands?”
“You know what? I think that’s what was missing.”