Thursday, October 30, 2008


When I was in high school – and off and on after that – I had a job delivering furniture for my uncle, to whom I no longer speak. He’s a prick who fucked me over on an insurance claim. Long story. Uncle Prick used to own a high-end furniture store that supplied pretentious Chippendale and Biedermeier furniture to nouveau riche dickbags who needed such things.

I wanted to go after all of his customers with a fucking chainsaw. I really, really did. You have no fucking idea. None. I fantasized about taking a chainsaw to the entire North Shore of Long Island, useless housewife by useless housewife.

See, the smartest thing my father ever did for me was making me get a New York State Commercial Driver’s License (CDL) so I’d have something to fall back on if everything else in my life went to shit, which it has from time to time. In addition to being able to stand around propping up walls for inordinate amounts of time, I’m also licensed to drive really big trucks. This is something I haven’t told you.

I’m also the world’s best furniture delivery guy, no shit. I can get anything anywhere. I’m strong as fuck, I know all the angles, and I even know how to take shit apart if need be. I can get damned near anything in your house without a scratch – either to the piece or to your precious hardwood floors or your moldings. Just leave me the fuck alone and you’ll be pleased as punch with your new armoire.

Anyway, the point of this post is to introduce a new term. I’ve wanted to use this term on the site for quite a while now, but without explaining it properly the reference would be completely lost and it wouldn’t work. I’m going to explain it here, and from now on, I’m going to link to this post whenever I use it.

The term is “Maltzing.”

Maltzing refers to the irritating habit of standing there with your palms upturned in a gesture of protest without actually explaining what your fucking problem is. It looks like this.

In the furniture business, we called it Maltzing because it was introduced to me by an annoying slapdick named Maltz. I delivered a living room set to Maltz once. This consisted of a sofa, loveseat, chair and ottoman. We carried the loveseat in first and set it down in Maltz’s tacky-ass living room. After we did this, Maltz Maltzed us.

I Maltzed him back and asked him what the problem was.

“I’m getting a sofa, a chair and an ottoman too, right?” he asked.

“Yeah, they’re out in the truck.”

He Maltzed me again.

“What?” I asked.

“I ordered more than just a loveseat,” he said.

“Are you serious?”

He Maltzed me again.

“What do you want me to do? Stack it together and bring it all in at once?”

Maltz was a dick with no common sense. When I delivered furniture for my uncle, everyone was like Maltz. Maltz wasn’t the only one who Maltzed me, but Maltz may have been the biggest cock-ring, so he gets credit for the gesture.

Now you know.