Here’s a little of what’s been going on.
I’ve been putting most of my time and energy into work lately. Real nine-to-five work. The economy is making things suck even for internet figments like me, so like everyone else, I have to do what I have to do in order to get the rent paid on time.
I’m a little unsatisfied with what I’m doing right now, and a lot insecure when I look at my bank statement. Hell, if I really want to be honest here, I’ve been applying myself in all the wrong places, and the thought of all the time I’ve been wasting isn’t pleasant. There’s been too much time spent doing shit for other people, and damned little applied to advancing my own life.
I’m calling this a lack of discipline. I’m calling it that because I haven’t been disciplined enough to go out on a limb and commit to something. Discipline breeds confidence, and confidence is something I haven’t had much of lately, so I haven’t had the “balls” – for want of a better word – to go out and attack.
I’ll roll on the sidewalk with guys double my size without thinking twice about it, but ask me to go out on a limb in order to better my life and I’ll engage, as Dostoevsky wrote, in “a conscious sitting with folded arms.” It’s not laziness. It’s something worse. I think way too much for my own good, and then I don’t act.
This site is symptomatic of the problem. I used to love maintaining it. Now I don’t even think about it until it’s much too late at night to sit down and write anything substantive. I don’t know how that happened, but I’m sure it’s not a good thing. I’d like for that to change. I’d like to be all hot and bothered again about getting something written here regularly. I’ll try doing that for a while and see what happens.