Tuesday, October 07, 2008


If I were running for president, I would have my staff compile a list of every supporter of mine who’s even remotely famous. From this list, I would then have them highlight the name of every person who could possibly be considered “reprehensible.”

I would then call all of these “reprehensible people” and tell them not to support me in public.

Me: “Do you want me to be the next president?”

Reprehensible Human Being: “Yes.”

Me: “Then stop talking about how much you like me.”

Reprehensible Human Being: “But why?”

Me: “Because you need to exercise your powers of self-examination and realize that by associating yourself with me, you’re making me look bad.”

Reprehensible Human Being: “How?”

Me: “Please just shut the fuck up.”

When a person I consider an asshole keeps telling me to support one candidate, I usually look for reasons to vote for the other one.