Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Dear Eli Manning Era Giants Fans,

First off, thank you for supporting my favorite team in sports for the past eleven months. It’s been a pleasure having your company since last year’s NFC Championship game – which, coincidentally, is when you first realized that “your” team actually had a chance to play in the Super Bowl. This also coincided with the purchase of your fancy #10 Eli Manning jersey. Those were good times. I enjoyed them, too. I’d been waiting a long time.

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you with the Giants the way they did with the Yankees. I know it’s always hard when you realize the team you’ve adopted isn’t going to win the championship every single year. I know this feels like a slap in the face, because I’ve been there. I was, like, five at the time, but I’ve been there, and it’s a rough haul.

Welcome to the real world, you fucking slapdicks. In the real world, sports fans have to wait their turn for championships. In the real world, you follow a team for years and years and years before you’re finally rewarded – and once you’ve been rewarded, the idea is to go back to cheering your fucking brains out for that same team for another dozen years or so until they do it again. That’s how it works. You don’t get a championship after a week of interest, and you certainly don’t get another one the following year, unless you’re one of the millions of pink-hats who realized New York had two baseball teams back in 1996.

Here’s the good news: you’re off the hook. As a Giants fan who can actually remember the likes of Ray Perkins, Scott Brunner, Rob Carpenter and Butch Woolfolk, I’m here to tell you that you’re under no obligation to see this charade through. You have a right to know that it’ll likely be another fifteen years before the Giants win the Super Bowl again, so I’m suggesting we go our separate ways now that you were forced to swallow Sunday’s little dose of reality.

In other words, bail out. Jump off the bandwagon. Get lost. These aren’t the Yankees, and you’re not getting another Super Bowl out of the Giants until you’re bald and married and your kids are hitting puberty. Tom Coughlin as Vince Lombardi? Eli Manning as Johnny Unitas? David Tyree as Jerry Rice?

It’s a one shot deal, my friends. Trust me. These are still Your Father’s New York Giants. And that’s not the team for you. You can all jump ship now. Thanks for your support.


Rob from Section 311