5.

Spend some time around people who play high-level sports for a living, and you’ll learn the truth.

The truth is that everyone in that world is on something. They’re all “on the shit.” Trust me on this. If you thought Lance Armstrong was clean for all these years and you’re shocked and appalled about his Oprah appearance, you’re a fucking moron.

You don’t get there without being on the shit. Show me a sport where athletes reach the professional or Olympic level without the shit, and I’ll show you a sport filled with athletes who’d be abject failures at every other sport.

Want to celebrate the Super Bowl in solidarity with your favorite players from Baltimore and San Francisco? Cool. Grab some Vicodin and some Tramadol—injections are more effective—and down those fuckers about two hours before the game. Not that either of these are illegal—they don’t really qualify as “the shit”—but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Of the 90 players on the field this Sunday, I’d wager 80 of them will be loaded up with enough painkillers to tip over a Clydesdale.

Everyone is on the shit. We’ve always known they’re on the shit, but we make Lance Armstrong lie for all these years, then look like an asshole sitting across from Oprah, because the media—who, I suspect, know precisely what went on for all these years—love to advance their own careers by drumming up phony outrage about stuff that doesn’t matter.

It’s all bullshit.