Friday, April 10, 2009

No Mas

You never find out how far it really is from the driver’s side to the passenger’s side until you switch seats. This is something I’ve learned over the past week or two – the very, very hard way.

The lesson here is to tread lightly before giving people advice.

I have three friends in various stages of the divorce process. One is already done, one is in mediation, and the other one’s wife just recently filed. All three guys came to me for advice. I don’t know why they did this, considering I’ve never been married, but they did anyway. For some people, I’m a rational voice. This strikes me as odd, but, as they say, it is what it is.

I was very generous with my advice for these people. As always, I had a lot to say. I would go on and on, loving the sound of my own voice, until I was sure I had them on the road to 1) Forgetting their ex-wives, 2) Getting laid a half dozen times daily with six different women, and 3) “Working on themselves” and finding their fortune.

I had it all figured out. If these guys went ahead and took my advice, they’d be fine. They’d rule the world and get their poles polished and their wicks dipped more than they ever did when they were married.

Of course, I had nothing to lose, and that’s the magic of giving advice to people on subjects you know jack shit about, because when you’re in the same situation – with a lot less to lose, in my case – you’re completely lost. When you’re not the one with the problem, it’s the easiest thing in the world to call the shots for someone else and call them a slapdick when they’re not abiding by your rules.

Then you get kicked in the face and you realize the position they were in. It’s not as easy, nor as cut and dried, as you thought it was.

That’s kind of where I’m at right now. I’ll be less morbid next week, I promise.