Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Another Thing Not To Do

Dick Move #3791 is part of a comprehensive compilation of Dick Moves that people perform in order to call attention to the fact that they’re dicks. The Dick Move List is similar but unrelated to the Reasons Not To Get Married List (parts 1 through 78,224, from “Clint’s endless barroom discourses,” Queens, NY, 2001-2007), but the two lists could eventually share the same publication date should I ever get around to properly organizing and categorizing all the associated data.

Dick Move #3791 occurs when your bar, lounge or club isn’t smart or bucks-up enough to pay off whomever requires greasing in order to let people smoke inside. When this happens, crowds of nimrods cluster on the sidewalk giving themselves cancer. When I’m working the door in places like this, I make sure I’m not downwind of these people because I can’t stand when cigarette smoke is blown anywhere near me.

There is, quite possibly, nothing that enrages me more than a smoker who takes offense when I politely ask not to be victimized by their miasma.

Dick Move #3791 involves tossing your cigarette in the street, walking inside the bar, lounge or club, and exhaling your last lungful of smoke indoors. Dick Move #3791 seems to be a “thing to do” here in New York. Evidently, the cool people can’t be seen finishing their cigarettes outside. Often, these patrons who feel this compelling need to blow their last puffs of smoke inside the building are the same anuses you’ll see lighting their cigarettes before they get outside.

If you do this, you are a dick. You are a complete, total and utter dick, and you need to go fuck yourself in the rectum with a massive frozen dildo coated with nitric acid. That should fix your wagon.