Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Pee Wee's Big Adventure

"Oh my G-d! Oh my G-d!"

"Are you Jewish?" I ask.


"Because you won't say the "O" in God."

"Yes! Shut up!"

"That explains a lot," I say.

"They look exactly like the picture!"


"The Guid-s!" she exclaims.

"You can say the "O" this time, dear."

"The Guidos! The Guidos! My G-d, they look!"

"What'd you think? I was lying this whole time?"

"No," she replies, "but..."

"How long have you been reading my blog?"

"Well, you know...umm...this summer...umm."

"Yeah, so, y'know, about two weeks?" I ask. "Since you've been using me for this little project of yours?"

"Shut up."

"You know, you're gonna call yourself a journalist, you're gonna have to learn how to lie a little better," I say.

"And you're gonna have to learn to avoid giving interviews when you're drunk."

"Screw off."

"'Uh, hi. I'm Mister Big Time Celebrity blog guy, and it's two in the morning, and I'm ready for my interview now, so meet me at my convenience, 'cause I'm piss drunk and ready to talk.' Good thinking, Mister Anonymity. Talk to the media while you're hammered out of your mind."

"Like now?"

"Yeah," she says. "Like now. I mean, really. Who the hell loses their virginity in a station wagon at the age of fourteen, then doesn't get laid again for another three years? Who does that?"

"I decided it was too early."

"More like all the girls in your school decided that for you," she says.

"How'd you know that?"

"You just told me that, asshole. And a lot of other stuff, too."

"Like what?" I ask.

"Like, the real reason you don't post anything anymore is because you're too busy looking at porn on the internet."

"That's not true."

"That's what you just said!"

"I retract that," I say. "That's off the record."

"You can't retract things, and if you want something off the record, you have to tell me before you tell me!"

"This is bullshit! I'm filing a complaint!"

"With who?!?"

"I dunno," I say. "I'll find somebody. Listen, you gonna eat the rest of those fries?"

"G-d, you are a fat pig."

"Hang on. I gotta go take a leak."

"Another one?" she asks.

"You know what? Here's twenty bucks. Go pay the damned check, and I'll meet you outside. I got a train to catch."

"No wonder nobody wants to interview your sorry ass. It's so not worth the hassle."