Monday, February 13, 2006


In my line of work, they're everywhere -- a perpetual procession of potential paramours parading past my predatory perch. Quality horseflesh, all the way down the line, as far as the eye can see. Of course, given my allegedly misogynistic riffs about the female clientele at the club, I'd be a hypocrite to claim to have dipped my toe in that pool recently. I mean, you know, it looks good, but we need to hearken back to my whole "rotting from the inside out" theory, upon which I expounded many months ago. The same still applies.

There's a girl at my gym who has herpes. I know this for a fact.

Let's take this from the top, though. We talk, bouncers do. When the place is "deader than Hirschfeld's dick," we tend to make lists. Good lists. The kind of lists you people would like to hear about, but don't, because you're not bouncers. But that's good. Be happy about that. And you're okay, in any case, because I've been here for the past two years -- almost -- to tell you exactly what we're talking about when we're standing around together, pointing at you and laughing.

Usually, it's something that's just about as stupid as you're imagining it to be. Sometimes, however, it's a conversation that takes me back to the door thinking, distracts me for the balance of the night, and gets me scribbling notes on napkins so I can get my ass home and write about it. This is one of those lists. Whether you care to read it or not is hardly my concern. I'm blogging about it simply because I want to get the fucker down for posterity.

And it's my list, meaning it's not the list. It's not open for debate, at least for me. I mean, maybe I can be swayed by a solid, cogent argument for or against something here, but this is what I've come up with, and this is where we stand. So...

Here is MY top ten list of what I think are the most beautiful women on the planet, at least facially -- I'm big on pretty faces -- accompanied by a short explanation for each. In a nod to Pat Stack, I'm numbering the list, but it's really in no particular order. How can it be? Actually, I should take that back. I have a definitive number one, but it'll be the last one on the list, so numbers ten through two are meaningless in terms of order. Anyway, fuck all that. Here's the list:

10. Irish: A nod to my own. I've always been somewhat partial to redheads, but there's a familiarity here that appeals to me, you know? Kind of an "I know what I'll be dealing with here" sort of thing. Still and all, a good concept on God's part. A very pleasant look, overall.

9. Korean: Love the high cheekbones, and features just a tad more delicate in appearance than those of other Asian women. Nicely done, God.

8. Albanian: Okay, the guys can be a pain in the ass, seeing as how they seem to instantaneously materialize in bat-wielding packs whenever one of their "boys" gets into a fender-bender, but Albanian women are hot. Period. At least the ones I've met.

7. Hungarian: Yeah, kind of an odd choice, but come on. Again, a facial structure I like, and a language I'll likely never learn, even if it were to help me get laid.

6. Chinese: Well, yeah.

5. Russian: That accent drives me up a fucking wall. A good wall. Someplace down Coney Island Avenue, perhaps? And Slavic cheekbones are, in my estimation, as high-concept as art can possibly be.

4. Japanese: No explanation necessary here.

3. Swedish/Danish/Finnish/Estonian, et al: That's a gimme.

2. Ecuadorian: My favorite representatives from south of our borders. Awesome. Indigenous-style nose a definite plus. I like that.

1. Ukrainian: My absolute, hands down, no-question-about-it first choice. If I could invent a face for women, and have every woman have that face, it would look the way Ukrainian women look. Seriously. It's a great face, that Ukrainian face.

Now, I know this is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever published in the history of this blog, and believe me, I've already thought of the million-and-one things that can, and should, be added to clarify what the fuck I'm talking about in this abortion of a post. Quite frankly, I don't care about all that, and neither should you. We're in appreciation mode here, folks, so let's just give them all -- all women -- a big round of applause and leave it at that.