Monday, February 22, 2010

Epic Beard Man

What do I think of Epic Beard Man, you ask?

Well, not much, although I have to admit his fistic display was both merited and impressive. Epic Beard Man, if you take a look at his follow-up interview, is out of his fucking mind, and that’s something that necessarily has to be factored in if you’re looking to prop some guy up as some kind of hero. So, Epic Beard Man did what he had to do, but that’s about the extent of things.

For me, the issue is one of why the black guy decided to pursue his strategy of fucking with Epic Beard Man when he so obviously had nothing to offer when things got physical. This is something I saw time and time again when I worked in clubs – fat, weak, out-of-shape slapdicks acting tough, realizing they were way out of their league when shit broke out, then talking a blue streak afterward about what could have happened.

“Motherfucker,” I would say, “just go home.”

Here’s what you do.

If someone does this to you on a subway or a bus, do exactly what Epic Beard Man did and jab the motherfucker square in the nose. It stops everything. It will stun your douchebag opponent long enough for you to either split the scene before he breaks out a weapon or land several more punches and end the fucking thing. He’s not expecting that, he’s not ready for any application of force, and in most cases, the dumbass who’s going to unsolicitedly fuck with you while you’re riding public transportation neither has the discipline, the training nor the physical ability to cope with a man – or woman – with a plan.

Debate this shit on your kung-fu message boards all you want. All I know is that, in thirty-plus years of living in New York City and a decade of club bouncing, I have yet to punch someone solidly in the nose and have them laugh it off.