Thursday, June 08, 2006

So you've been tossed...

Here's another list. This one can help keep you from getting yourself beaten up, so I'll venture to say it contains some of the more useful advice I've provided on this site. See, there's a certain way to get yourself thrown out of a club and still maintain your dignity. And even if maintaining your dignity isn't high on your list of priorities, you really don't want to find yourself in the fetal position trying to decide whether to shield your nuts or your face while a half-dozen pissed off bouncers in steel tipped boots take out a lifetime's worth of frustrations on you.

So, if you're an asshole, you should read this. If you're a guy who's in the habit of "asking around" about bouncers because you need to know which ones you shouldn't "fuck with," this is for you. If you're a sidewalk lawyer who doesn't understand that "I din't do nothin'" actually means, grammatically, that you did do something, you need to follow my instructions. To the letter.

Some of these tips may seem obvious to you, the civilized reader, yet bouncers see this sort of shit every night. Every single night. So if it's on the list, it's something we have to deal with regularly, and it's something about which you need to be cautioned. If you're an asshole, that is. Which you may just be.

Ten Things Not To Do When You Get Thrown Out of a Club

1. Don't spit at anyone. I know what you're thinking. This is like telling someone, "Don't shit in your hand and smear it all over yourself before a date," but you'd be surprised at how often it happens. Or maybe you wouldn't, if you've been reading this site long enough. Fact is, nothing, short of an actual punch to the face, pisses a grown man off like being spat upon. Most bouncers will take a serious run at you if you spit at them. And when a bouncer takes a run at you, more will follow. Unless you're prepared for that, do yourself a favor and restrict your abuse to the verbal kind.

2. Don't take off your shirt. This, I've never understood. As I've said before, I've been in my share of scuffles, and I don't see any advantage in ripping your shirt off in a bar or club fight. "Professional" bouncers won't be intimidated by the massive sweep of your lower lats, and the fight itself won't last long enough for you to have to worry about your shirt leaving you at a disadvantage by giving me something to grab. At best, you'll be going home shirtless, because the thing's going in a fucking dumpster before you're ever getting it back. The more likely scenario involves your mom picking gravel out of your back with tweezers tomorrow morning when you wake up in agony.

3. If you'd like to offer us a bribe to get back in, don't do it in full view -- and within earshot -- of the entire bouncing staff. If you want to try this move -- and it occasionally works, incidentally -- calm the fuck down and hang around for a while. See if you can manage to talk to one of us alone. That's your only chance. If you shout your offer out in front of all of us, you've killed the whole thing because you're asking us to break the rules in front of witnesses. Personally, I've never taken a bribe from someone who's been tossed -- I think it's wrong because it could potentially endanger someone -- but I've seen it happen. So be discreet.

4. Don't offer to fight every bouncer on the sidewalk. Okay, so we're laughing at you. Making you feel like the asshole you know you are. You're out here by yourself, standing in front of ten of us, and you're infuriated because you know you've become our source of entertainment. You know what? Just leave, while the leaving's good. The more you yell at us about how you'll "fight all of youse (us) right now," the higher the probability that someone's going to call you on it. And you won't win.

5. If you're being dragged out, don't take a swing at us when we let you go. Remember, I'm not your enemy. If you hadn't been fighting, I wouldn't have interfered with your evening. This is my job. I'm getting paid for this. There's nothing personal involved. You're being pulled out of a nightclub by a bouncer. Big fucking deal. You're not the first, and you won't be the last, so when I let you go, keep your hands to yourself. When I give you that last little push, it's because I want to create some separation between the two of us, not because I want to fight you. People have thrown punches at me before when I've "released the choke," and I've found it's best to be careful. When I shout "Don't fucking swing!" at you just prior to letting go, take my advice. Please.

6. Don't prolong the nonsense by standing on the sidewalk and shouting at us for fifteen minutes. Admittedly, this is partially our fault. No bouncer wants to go right back inside to their box after tossing someone. After several hours in a club, fresh air is a blessing, and it's not something from which we enjoy retreating, at least not right away. People need an audience, though. As long as there are bouncers in the vicinity, they'll continue to scream. I've found that if you throw somebody out, the best thing you can do is to turn around and walk back inside. If they're tossed out a side door, slam it in their face and leave them outside. Guidos need attention. They're not, however, predisposed to shout at brick walls. Still, dear customer, understand when your night's over and simply go home. We're not outside because we want to hang out with you.

7. If you feel you've been ejected unfairly, voice your appeal to the correct member of the staff. Ask for the head bouncer. If you've been in a fight, he'll be nearby. In a reasonable, measured tone, explain your situation to him and show him that you're neither a threat nor a problem. What you should not do is start pleading your case to every random bouncer on the sidewalk. There's a chain of command on any bouncing staff, and if the guy you've chosen to shout at says, "I can't do anything for you," chances are he's telling you the truth. Find out who's in charge, and go directly to him. And stop inflicting yourself on me, because I couldn't give two shits.

8. Don't walk around on your phone and tell us your "boys" are coming. Put the cellphone away. Nobody's coming. If you're on the phone for more than five seconds, you're full of shit. And you're an asshole. Your "boys" aren't going to risk injury or possible arrest -- not to mention making a forty-five minute drive from Staten Island -- to avenge anything that's happened to you tonight.

9. Don't ask me if you can go back in and get your friends. If they don't know you've been tossed, they probably know they're better off without you. If they have any sense, they're wondering which of them was the asshole who invited you to come along in the first place. Call them. Text them. Go wait in your car, if you're the driver. Go wait outside the car, if you're a passenger. Somebody will eventually notice you're gone, and they'll come looking. And next time, don't be a dick and this won't happen to you.

10. Don't tell us you're coming back with a weapon. Think long and hard about what's been happening lately at New York's bars and clubs. We're taking this shit a tad more seriously now. If you do threaten us with a weapon, you're not leaving. You're liable to have the shit kicked out of you, and we may even choose to call the police. The head bouncer at my club has a zero tolerance policy with regard to threats of this nature, and I'm in complete agreement. Why take the chance that someone's telling the truth?

And get home safe. We sure do want your business next week.