My feelings, exactly

Sometimes when you're standing at the door, and one of these idiots comes flying out, what you have to realize is that it's all about the drugs. That there's no talking to some of these douchebags, because they're all tuned up on something. That you'll not be reasoning with some Guidoed-out juicehead who's fallen into the dreaded k-hole and can't claw his way back up to the surface. That if you play your cards right, you might walk away from this episode without having to go to the ground, but you know it's not likely to happen.

Because it's all about the drugs.

And sometimes, when you're standing at the door with the words of your mentor, Patrick Swayze, running 'round and 'round in your head, you think you've got it all figured out. That the best bouncers really do work with their mouths and not their hands. That you, above all people, with your "cerebral" approach to the Guidified world, can come at things from the proper angle and keep your hands clean.

Then out rolls Carmine, gasping for air, his jaw a' swingin', and there goes your theory.

And you wonder. You look at this, and you think, "Why does everyone here look so gosh darned silly?" And what you come up with is, they're all on drugs. What you think is, they'd fucking have to be. And what you consider is, you're the only one in the entire goddamned place who's not.

Which explains everything. And accounts for my standing theory, as of right now, that the reason all these fucking people look so fucking stupid is because they're all smoking fucking crack. All the time. Twenty-four hours a day. Because if they had one sober moment -- just one -- where they weren't hitting the pipe, they'd realize the utter insanity of their actions. They'd look in a mirror and say, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what the hell did they do to me, and where's my lawyer? Thank God I was wearing rubber soled shoes!"

They'd realize all that, and say all that, because this -- this entire club culture -- is nothing but abject ignorance, an awareness that's impossible to come by when you have foreign substances coursing through your bloodstream every hour of the day and night.

Otherwise, why be a cockroach?

Why hinder society?

What the fuck is all this?